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Today’s British General Election: Some Of The Independents, Who Aren’t That Independent!

8 June, 2017

In British parliamentary general elections and by-elections, you will often encounter people standing as ‘independent’ candidates. The face value is these are altruistic citizens who wish to do good in the corridors of power without being tied down to the rules and regulations of a political party, pressure group, or otherwise.

Except sometimes this is not the case. People also stand for all manner of reasons which have little or nothing to do with the above. Deselected candidates going solo out of principle to let the voters decide; or to spite their old colleagues by splitting the vote to let their rivals win; those standing simply as a publicity stunt for their business or a charity (you are entitled to a free leaflet drop from the Royal Mail so long as your election literature is not disqualified for ‘advertising’); there are even those using it to highlight some wrongdoing in the hope of forcing the issue into the open if picked up by the press (or by forcing their target to take them to court).

Confused? Here’s a special Jazz-Hands investigation!

Daniel Bamford (Amber Valley): Not the same Danny Bamford once of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party and Raving Loony Green Giant Party. A disgruntled UKIP member angry his local branch stood down to give the pro-Brexit Conservative candidate a clear run. This has been the most common of the ‘independent’ candidates this time out who aren’t once you scratch the surface.

Roseanne Edwards (Banbury): Despite the People’s Voice for Banbury tag, is actually one of the NHS Action Party, who appear to have made a complete arse of getting their nominations organised this time out. She’s a successful local newspaper journalist.

Aleks Lukic (Batley & Spen): Another disgruntled KIPper over UKIP giving a Tory candidate a free run because they claimed to be anti-EU.

Chris Coghlan (Battersea): Blairite who failed to get nominated under the pro-Corbyn Momentum juggernaut. Due to ‘anti-terrorism’ business connections, suspected ‘trial run’ candidate for a breakaway new ‘centrist’ party for disgruntled Labour and Lib Dem members.

Ajmal Masroor (Bethnal Green & Bow): ex-Lib Dem Parliamentary candidate and now minor TV celebrity on cable TV stations aimed at Muslims.

Duncan Miller (Blackburn) : Blackburn Rovers Fan standing to demand the removal of the Venkys family in control of his ailing football club.

Vicki Browning (Blaenau Gwent) : The Orion’s Reusables Nappy Library candidate. No really.

Kieron Wilson (Bournemouth East): Another ‘save the NHS’ candidate who didn’t appear to be aware of the NHS Action Party.

Olivio Barreto (Bracknell): And another disgruntled Kipper over the party giving the Tory a free run – their candidate for the Crown Wood council ward less than two years earlier.

David Ward (Bradford East): Former Lib Dem MP thrown out of party after one remark bordering on anti-Semitism too many (far too many to be precise).

Salma Yaqoob (Bradford West): former titular leader of the ‘anti-Zionist’ vanity Respect Party of serial oxygen thief George Galloway. Already criticised for holding ‘Muslims only’ election meetings in a seat becoming infamous for returning candidates later shown to be anti-Semitic.

Khadim Hussain (Bradford West): former Labour Lord Mayor of Bradford who quit before he was expelled for – wait for it – anti-Semitism, to be precise posting on Facebook: ‘your school education system only tells you about Anne Frank and the six million Zionists that were killed by Hitler.’

Amazing Richard Edmonds never thought of standing here.

Louca Kousoulou (Brentwood & Ongar): father of The Only Way Is Essex reality TV ‘star’ (it’s a show that makes Jersey Shore look like Panorama) hoping to cash in on his daughter’s Z-List fame.

Isabel Robson (Bridgend): Councillor for the Change For Bridgend party – a Welsh town made infamous by tabloids for its unexplained high number of teenage suicides.

Doktor Haze (Brighton Kemptown): Real name John Hayes Mabley. Is abusing the electoral system to advertise his Circus of Horrors Alive show which just happens to be playing in Brighton during the period of the General Election – his ‘candidacy’ is being advertised via the business’ website. Um, isn’t this illegal?

John ‘Rockard’ Langley (Bristol South):  Was a UKIP candidate until they discovered he’d been a porn star for forty years. Amazing he never thought of standing for the Corrective Party. Less funny are his links to the English Defence League.

Scott Raven (Buckingham): is standing for the election because he is ‘tired of politics’ Which is confusing as he’s a politics teacher for a local school.

Liam Byrne (Bury St Edmunds): AKA Dobbyliplop.  Twice liver transplant survivor who claims to be ‘passionate about the NHS.’ yet didn’t throw his hat in the NHS Action Party ring. Derp! However he may have succeeded just by turning up in causing the withdrawal of another ‘medical’ independent candidate,  Paul Hopfensperger, a local ‘complimentary medicine’ and assorted quackery guru.

Robert Holden (Calder Valley): Councillor who left the Conservatives after whistleblowing over financial irregularities in the Calder Valley Conservative Association. Could be one of the more interesting side battles of the General Election as he may get enough votes to save his deposit (5%).

Nick Mattey (Carshalton & Wallington): In an almost carbon copy of events in the Calder Valley but on a blockbuster scale, Mattey was a Lib Dem councillor who was expelled for whistleblowing over his party lying about the cost and environmental impact of a waste incinerator as well as granting council contracts to a private refuse collection company who ‘just happened’ to donate over quarter of a million pounds to a church whose hall was the local Lib Dems regular meeting base. Amazed Private Eye haven’t been all over this one.

Ankit Love (Cities of London & Westminster): Serial attention whore who claims to be the Maharaja of Kashmir, an MTV star and will run to be India’s next PM. His father Bhim Singh is leader of the Jammu & Kashmir region National Panthers Party in India (a Congress Party splinter – whose logo, confusingly, is a bicycle and not a panther, unless of course in Jammu and Kashmir panthers are masters of mimicry and can mimic bicycles), who lost their last elected seats in 2014.

Sandy Steel (The Cotswolds): Genuine tin hatter whose website is dedicated to his belief of mass electoral fraud and conspiracy from local to international level ‘controlled by a Global Corporate New World Order’.

Ciaran Norris (Coventry North West): resigned from Labour to fight their local MP who he claims is in cahoots with Coventry City’s owners (the hedge fund group Sisu) who many fans blame for the club’s terminal decline (they took over the club in 2007 when it was twenty minutes from administration for insolvency) as they slipped into the fourth tier for the first time in fifty eight years.

Don Locke (Croydon Central): Estate agent who a fortnight ago had an attack of conscience over ‘fleecing people’ and is standing to highlight the need for affordable housing.

Peter Faithfull (Devon East) : One of the East Devon Alliance ‘independent’ councillors, who appears to have fallen out with them in throwing his hat in the ring as they wanted another of their number to stand. You couldn’t make it up. Claims to be standing to highlight ‘new evidence’ regarding the famous Genette Tate disappearence cold case – a favourite with amateur Miss Marples, conspiracy theorists and – to put it bluntly – creepy ghouls.

Claire Wright (Devon East): The ‘independent’ councillor the East Devon Alliance did want to stand, and are spending a lot of time on the web via yellow press sites such as ‘East Devon Watch’ telling anyone who will listen how she’s the only one with enough support to win the seat. Reality check: Wright did score a remarkable 13 140 votes (24%) at the last General Election (2015), but this was a straight transfer from the Lib Dems whose vote collapsed by 12 833 votes during the great national Lib Dem wipeout – a percentage of the vote drop of… 24%.

Amongst their propaganda pieces is the following tasteful effort made from stealing the pictures from The Sun’s tacky ‘Deirdre’s Photo Casebook’ (cheap titilation masquerading as an agony aunt page). Funny how they should chose that one – which was originally about a girl being subjected to unwanted advances from an older relative: as if there’s not enough incest jokes doing the rounds about the West Country.

Robin Julian (Devon West & Torridge): Another disgrunted Kipper standing in defiance of the party (he’d been their council candidate a few weeks ago!).

Frank Calladine (Doncaster North): Along with wife Phyllis were regular Kipper candidates (and indeed councillors on Adwick On Dearne) standing as recently as a few weeks ago. This time there is however a Kipper candidate standing, so they appear to be part of the revolt against those currently in charge.

Yen Chit Chong (Dulwich & West Norwood): Not to be confused as some sites have with the Bridport lady who stood for the Green Party for Hackney North and Stoke Newington in 1997 and 2001. This dude is the local plumber.

Yen Hongmei Jin (Dumfries & Galloway): Was Scotland’s only ever Chinese councillor who left the SNP amid allegations of bullying and racism towards her but lost her seat when she tried running as an independent last month.

Dr Tariq Mahmood (Grantham & Stamford): Another ‘save my local hospital’ candidate who ought to have gone with the NHS Action Party.

Christina McGilligan-Fell (Great Grimsby): the mayor of North East Lincolnshire. Could be interesting as she was a Lib Dem before her shock defection.

Semi Essessi (Guildford): central to the 2012 controversy over Codemasters threatening to bankrupt former employees after reneging on overtime wages.

Robert Blay (Hampshire North East): Was the UKIP candidate in 2015 until he threatened to shoot his Tory opponent!

Rainbow Weiss (Hampstead & Kilburn): George Weiss, leader of Captain Rainbow’s Universal Party. But you knew about him already, didn’t you from here and here!

Nicholas Wilson (Hastings & Rye) : HSBC corruption whistle blower.

Ann Buckley (Havant): Another ex-Lib Dem councillor who fell out with the party.

Jim Kenyon (Hereford & Herefordshire South): Current mayor of Hereford.

Dr Sasha Norris (Herefordshire North): A strange one. She is a Zoologist and broadcaster who runs a wildlife rescue charity, yet is standing as an independent when there is also a Green Party candidate.

Michelle Dewberry (Hull West & Hessle): Former winner of TV reality show The Apprentice.

Susanne Cameron-Blackie (Islington North): The inimitable Anna Raccoon. Blogger who downs a six pack of Whoop Ass for breakfast. Now sadly dying of cancer after a lifetime of telling everyone things they don’t want to know, but marking her last hurrah by standing to highlight the madness of half of all the NHS’s budget being pocketed by people suing it.

Michael Foster (Islington North): One of Labour’s largest donors, standing in opposition to Jeremy Corbyn. If you are at the count, best not to stand too close to him, he is not likely to be very popular on the night.

David Crabtree (Keighley): former alcoholic turned care home tycoon who has been involved in a running feud with Bradford City Council.

Michael Basman (Kingston & Surbiton): former British chess champion and originator of the Basmaniac Defence. Unfortunately his defence against HM tax inspectors for evasion was not so inspired.

Jonny Orr (Lagan Valley): The Give Stormont A Kick Up The Hole candidate. Popular with an alarming number of local shops.

Willow Winston (Lewisham East): The Millwall FC candidate who also skillfully evaded eviction (so far) from a dubious compulsory purchase order of the sort being attempted against the local football club. Could be one of the surprise flashpoints of the night.

Phil Gray (Lincoln): Lincoln’s famous busker

Adam Heatherington (Liverpool Wavertree): disgruntled Kipper time.

Graham Hughes (Liverpool West Derby): First person to visit every country in the world without flying.

Lord Buckethead (Maidenhead): stood against Margaret Thatcher and John Major before.

Yolande Kenward (Maidstone & The Weald): Masonic conspiracy tin hatter

Terry Lawton (Middlesbrough): Councillor expelled from Labour over dubious social media posts.

Stuart Hill (Orkney & Shetland): Britain’s worst sailor standing to make Shetland and Orkney’s an independent state.

Paul Mack (Paisley & Renfrewshire South): Dead ringer for Barry Grant from Channel 4’s old soap ‘Brookside’. Was local council’s deputy leader until 1997 when he fell out with local politicians over his campaign to close local pubs and clubs linked to gangsters. Old school socialist standing over proposed closure of the local children’s ward, but may get surprise protest votes due to local post-council elections unhappiness of electorate (an abortive SNP-Labour coalition which collapsed and a new Tory councillor being a long time BNP activist).

Oliur Rahman (Poplar & Limehouse): Sidekick of former Tower Hamlets mayor Lutfur Rahman – banned from standing for office for five years in 2015 after being found guilty of electoral fraud.

Lotta Quizeen (Putney): Shit comedian.

Sally Woodhall (Redditch): former UKIP Branch secretary for Redditch who survived links to rival far right groups only to chuck the Kippers after the May elections.

Ron Woodley (Rochford & Southend East): former Southend Council leader and Residents Association leader whose been feuding with the Tories since prehistoric times.

King Pendragon (Salisbury): Arthur Uther Pendragon (born John Timothy Rothwell), King of the Druids who has dabbled with the Wessex Regionalists in the past.

John Freeman (Scarborough & Whitby): local watercolours artist.

Mike Baldock (Sittingbourne & Sheppey): another disgruntled Kipper over the party giving the Tories a free run.

Paul Janik (Slough): Slough Times editor and controversial councillor subjected to a restraining order for harassment due to a feud between rival ‘Britwellian’ groups (which had passing links to the Liberal Democrats).

Donald Davies (Somerset North): The leader of North Somerset Council’s opposition.

Keith Morrell (Southampton Test): Is a local councillor for the Socialist Party. Was supported by the Trade Union and Socialist Coalition until they backed Corbyn.

Nicholas Sheldon (Staffordshire Moorlands): Another save my local hospital campaigner.

Barbara Fielding (Stoke-on-Trent Central): anti-semite, racist campaigner who wants to abolish Magna Carta and restore an absolute monarchy. Banned in 1997 by the Attorney General from making any civil proceedings in court as a vexatious litigant.

Tim Garbutt (Thanet South): An ‘independent green anti corruption’ candidate, despite there already being an official Green Party candidate. Is actually a restaurant owner and eccentric blogger who was once jailed for six months (out after six weeks) over his refusal to back down on a minor point of principle. Apparantly hasn’t changed much. Not to be confused with one half of Utah Saints.

Philip Tate (Thirsk & Malton): Anti-fracking candidate.

Andy The Durham Cobbler (Tynemouth): legendary anti-corruption candidate featured many years ago in The New Statesman.

Waj Ali (Wakefield): An actor, apparantly.

Allyson Barron (Waveney): ex-Labourite councillor until a few weeks ago.

Abby Dharamsey (Westminster North): The seventh least successful candidate of the entire 2010 general election is back for another shot.

Mr Fishfinger (Westmorland & Lonsdale): potential shock on the cards here as the anti-Tim Farron candidate. Conflicting rumours on how well he’s doing, but some bookies have him in third place.

Jagmeet Singh (Wolverhampton South West): campaigning to be Britain’s first Sikh MP.

Roy Ivinson (Workington): Local farmer who has stood several times before on an anti-global warming platform. Has been given a free run by the Greens this time.

For those interested in a running tally of the common causes independents above:

Renegade Kippers (excluding those standing as Social Democrats) = 9

Hospital campaigners who ought to have been with the NHS Action Party = 5

Z-List Celebrity Attention Whores = 7

Jew-baiting Tin Hatters = 6 – half from Bradford

Save My Football Club candidates = 3

Let’s see how many of the above spring a surprise and how many turn out to be burst couches.

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