The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 4 – ‘Ooh Blimey!’ (Part 2)

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Welcome to Tyneham Castle, the mist shrouded home of some of Elysia’s fellow livormorts; sisters Hazel, Rowan and Willow, who came from a time when every young lady of refinement was expected to demonstrate at social gatherings their élan before the grand piano, violin or flute.

Upon arrival, Elysia finds two of the sisters in the basement contemplating brushing up their skills in another field entirely.

‘At least they’re not glued in front of the telly playing Skyrim for once!’

‘I find myself altogether in some vexation that you should prove so dilatory. It betokens that you, my sister, daughter of a family who can trace noble lineage to 1066, harrow some pusillanimity to the venture!’

‘My dear Rowan, I fear that our long consignment to eternal rest has somewhat addled your reasoning. Almost a century has passed since either of us rode a horse. I shall countenance the saddle and stirrup only after the proper retraining and decline to be further inveigled in this manner!’

‘Don’t look at me, I didn’t understand a bloody word of it either!’

Luckily the youngest and most sensible of the Tyneham sisters, Hazel, was close at hand.

‘Should we have some of the Gralladina Fran Reserve at supper, the Cranerlet Nuala Oak Casked, or shall we try some of this Croisement Monastère Buckfast  kind Pollysim so graciously sent us in thanks for our hospitality at the last Gnubb match?’ 

Elysia explained Klammis Idchai’s idea to Hazel, who wasn’t too sure.

‘I would have to confer with Rowan and Willow as to whether they would be amiable to such a diversion, but I fear it has been some time since any of us have played an instrument, we have none of our old sheet music nor books, and ergo the sum of our labours may well prove a bumblebroth.’

‘Er, right, I see what you mean. Never mind, just thought I’d ask. Better get back and let the Idchais know.’

‘Oh no, please, my intent was not to congé! I shall make the effort – the three of us shall – to give a performance worthy of the Tyneham name. Shall we say, this Friday evening, dress informal?’

‘Ur, sure! That quick? If you can pull it off that would be brilliant! I’ll make sure everything’s ready for you in the basement of the Gnubb Club.’

‘Is there any particular repertoire that would find ourselves in accord with the gathered?’

‘Nah, we’ll leave it up to you three what you decide to play – you’re the musical experts around here.’

‘Let it be so – it is settled! Now, dear Elysia, it is most apropos that you should choose to call, for there is a delicate matter of our own we wish your advice on.’

‘It would be a pleasure!’

‘Gordon Bennett, not bloody Skyrim again!’

‘Oh we just knew you’d be delighted to help! Now, we’re at the Thalmor Embassy party, and we need to slip away into the building without being detected, but we are all at sea as to how this is to be accomplished with guests and guards at every juncture.’

‘Tsch, that one’s easy! You need to talk with Jarl Igroad Ravencrone.’

‘Goats and monkeys! That Dowager of Loch Ness?’

‘You’ve gotta ask the old prune to cause a scene to distract everyone’s attention, so you can slip through the back into the kitchen unnoticed.’

‘Oh, but of course! She will aid now I am her Thane. I hope her ruse proves to be original and amusing.’

‘Oh, I’ve never saw this happen in the game before!’

‘Rowan, is she supposed to be doing that with the empty Skooma bottle?’

‘I don’t think so Hazel, It looks frightfully painful, not to mention unhygienic!’

‘Er, Rowan, did Cloverstardropper call last night saying she had this great mod Haily had made for Skyrim that would make it run ten times better and you trusted her to install it?’

‘As a matter of fact, Elysia, yes she did! Do you believe there is a correlation?’

‘Are you usually this slow in the uptake?’

Part 3 To Follow

The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 3 – ‘Ooh Blimey!’ (Part 1)

Lonely Island was created and owned by Rflong7/13, but was taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet after involuntary resurrection from Ivy Hill Graveyard. It includes some others escaping from their own ‘life issues’, and is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other misunderstood species of Sims nature.

On a Sunday morning, the residents of Lonely Island can be found like all civilised Simmies partaking in quiet reflection upon whatever scriptures they may follow for their spiritual health before the traditional hearty Sunday lunch.

Which if you’re Haily Farber, means having a pillow fight in the middle of Lonely Island’s graveyard with Elysia Knaith to amuse all the non-resurrected.

‘Okay Haily, you win again, I’m out of puff! Oh, come to think of it I’m out of groceries as well, I’ll need to nip over to the shop before the other locals come out from church, you know how weird they act whenever any of us livormorts are about!’

‘Hahaha, okay. I’ll need to get the place tidied up first as I’m playing Dungeons And Dungeons this afternoon. Are you, the Tyneham sisters and the others still finding the rest of them unfriendly?’

‘As much as always. Still acting like we’re going to eat their brains or their grannies – innit marvellous! Until we’re all self sufficient though, we’ll just have to put up with it!’

‘Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to. If it wasn’t for you and the others they wouldn’t have this nice peaceful island unspoiled by the rat race they wanted to escape from in the first place.‘

‘Suppose so. Anyway, catch you later.’

‘ ‘Ang on a minute, did she say Dungeons and Dungeons ?’

The main shop on Lonely Island is the Ye Olde Lonely Island Shoppe, which sells just about everything, and on occasion this includes things people want.

As one of the central hubs of the island community, it is a frequent place for the island’s Sims, both normal and Livormort communities, to interact, except that interaction only appears to stretch as far as saying ‘That will be §559, please.’

Bit like EA with their customers, come to think of it.

Interaction beyond that, except for a few honourable cases, is somewhere between non-existent and the realms of science fiction.

Exempli gratia. ‘Est non is mire!’

‘Er, can I – um – be of any assistance, possibly?’

He with the hat is Leopoldo Coker, the book merchant.

‘Oh I don’t wanna be accused of being a queue jumper mate: the young gentleman with the ten gallon hat on a two pint head was first. He’d like to choose which from your extensive selection of premier windows he will be going through at high speed!’

‘Oh, erm, ahahaha, I do beg your pardon, unfortunately I’m afraid some of the younger members of the island community are finding it rather hard to adjust to their new life on the island. It is after all a very different experience from what they’re used to on the mainland, the big city life with showbiz celebrities around.’

‘They’re finding it hard to adjust? He ought to try the experience I’ve been adjusting from sometime, sooner rather than later if he keeps that bleeding attitude up! Bad as his bloody neo-hippy parents.’

‘Um, er, it’s nothing personal, nothing against the, erm, undead members of our community, it’s more a case of finding it all too quiet and too few people of his own age on the island. Young Whitsun Winterbottom and his sister Shrove aren’t sharing their parents enthusiasm for a more eco-conscious existence out here.’

‘Typical kids, always bloody moaning that they’re bored and there’s nothing to do!’

‘If you ask me, it needs to be shown that anything they can do on the mainland we can do as well. We’ve got an indoor pool, games room and concert room beneath the Grubb Club, let’s bring a few acts over to do a night!’

‘In that case, you ought to see the Idchai’s over on the side of the island near to Cloverstardrop Keep. They worked in the entertainment’s business until last summer. Maybe they can use their contacts to help?’

‘Wha… you sure? You ain’t having a laugh, are you?’

‘Why do you think they’re out here? Tax exiles!’

‘Right, that settles it, best see if I can get some show on the road then – or rather the boat! But first, a pound of spuds and cheese, two dozen eggs and a packet of Figwit Flame & Life Fruit Fraiche please?’

Heading past Cloverstardrop Keep, Elysia was in luck as M’boza and Klammis Idchai were at home.

‘A concert? Why, that’s a great idea! Not so sure you could get any celebrities to come over though.’

‘Oh, that was kinda what we were hoping. I know you’ve quit showbiz, but we were all hoping, perhaps…’

‘I could pull a few strings? Call in a favour from some past client for old times’ sake?’

‘Erm, something like that. I know it’s asking a lot, but it would mean a great deal to the people here.’

‘I think you need to speak to my wife. I dealt more with the promoting and tour organising side of our business, she was the one on first name terms with the stars.’

Inside the Idchai’s home, Klammis listened to Elysia’s request, but poured cold water on it.

‘I know you mean well, but trying to get anyone to come out here with the Butterflies of Doom around is next to impossible. At least, that’s the excuse they’ll use. Or they’ll ask for a ridiculous fee on the excuse it’s not good for their career playing the back of beyond that’s more than everyone here put together could afford.’

‘We could sell tickets for entry, that would recoup some of the cost. There’s sure to be people coming over from the mainland wanting to see it. You know the sort: they’ll spend happily thousands of Simoleons if they hear their idols are playing a secret gig in some tiny club just to say they were there.’

‘You’d still be looking at §1000 a ticket to break even. There may be Simmies on the mainland with that kinda money to burn, but on Lonely Island? If the concert’s meant to bring everyone together, kinda pointless if they’re the very ones left out, hon!’

‘Mmmm, suppose so. Innit marvellous!’

‘If you want my advice, you’re looking at this the wrong way. Don’t help emphasise how good it is off the island, you’ve gotta show ‘em how good it is on – showcase the talent that’s here. So what if they’re not platinum disc stadium sellouts? I’ll bet if you ask around you’ll find every bit as good musicians as the overpaid bums my M’boza and I dealt with down the years, and with a fraction of the egos! ‘

‘You know what, Klammis? You’re right! In fact, I know just the Simmies we need…’

Part 2 To Follow

Frank Sidebottom

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A collection of nine T-shirts and a set of hooded tops featuring various motifs of related artwork over the years concerning the man people either loved or loathed.

Will fit Teen, Young Adult and Adults.

All items are recolourable, but the logos aren’t.

As there’s no Teen Male hooded top with the basic pack, which is really bobbins, there’s a Teen Male Tracksuit top instead.

Please also find a collection of fourteen poster pictures and four murals available as pictures for your Sims 3 game.

The poster pictures use a mesh with many thanks by Yarona at Sims Modeli and the wall sized murals use a mesh which comes once again with many thanks from Helen-Sims, so you do not need any stuff packs for this to work – it’s all base game friendly.

Download

To use, download, unzip, and drop the contained folder into your The Sims 3\mods\packages folder and they should show up.

Enjoy!

Who was Frank Sidebottom (who he was, he really was)?

The following is for the benefit of anyone living outside of mainland U.K (except for the Isle Of Man who were plagued with appearances by him more often than most care to remember), who may be wondering what the bobbins the latest custom content download bundle refers to. Or maybe not.

By way of explanation, it was done because the simplicity of most of the artwork to Frank’s stuff means it looks nice when transferred to a Sims 3 environment.

But the song ‘Greengrocer On The Corner’ is nice. You can hear it on YouTube.

Frank Sidebottom was a major part of the sad story of Chris Sievey, someone whose life was cut short in its 54^th year by cancer, having wasted most of it on trying to become famous and unable to accept that perhaps his real talent was more in the background of entertainment than the front.

In the 1970s to 80s, his band Chris Sievey And The Freshies tried everything to break into the hit parade, from a sit-in at the Beatles’ Apple Corps record company to releasing a song in 1981 called ‘I’m In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Megastore Checkout Desk’ to try and make the Guinness Book Of Records for the longest name of a song that had charted (which by that year was a stunt every third rate band had tried ever since the Buzzcocks hit ‘Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t Have Fallen In Love With?)’ and the book’s editor Norris McWhirter refused to recognise as any sort of achievement anyway). Five flop albums and sixteen flop singles later, they gave up.

One member they turned down was a kid called Johnny Marr as Chris thought he was too young. Disappointed, he formed his own band instead with another local kid called Steven Morrissey called The Smiths who by 1984 were on the road to major success. Two former Freshies Martin Jackson and Billy Duffy went on in turn to become world famous with Swing Out Sister and The Cult.

Chris now tried to cash in on the new computer games boom as a new gimmick. First he put the sound code for a computer game he wrote, ‘The Flying Train’, on the back of his solo single ‘Camouflage’. It’s been hailed since as the first ‘multimedia’ single, but in truth Pete Shelley had already done it earlier in the year for his XL1 album (featuring the hit single ‘Telephone Operator’). Pete Shelley had been the lead singer/songwriter of the Buzzcocks. Beginning to see a pattern here?

Chris now decided to have a crack at making money in the blossoming computer games industry with The Biz for the Sinclair Spectrum in 1984, about trying to becoming a pop star. Nothing like writing from experience.

Appropriately, it was released by Virgin Games during their brief flurry into the new and rapidly growing home computer software market.

But once again Chris met failure. The game was too similar to the previous year’s It’s Only Rock’n’Roll by K-Tel, except harder. Virgin spent a fortune in adverts, but they were releasing games like The Biz written in slow BASIC with blocky visual graphics whilst the tiny companies that dominated the computer games industry – Bug-Byte, Imagine, Ocean and of course Ultimate Play The Game – had been releasing games in faster machine code with far slicker presentation for well over a year.

Trying to promote the game as written by a ‘genuine pop star’ when he was nothing of the sort (the Freshies highest UK chart placing being No.54 in the UK) wasn’t the brightest PR stunt in the world either.

Despite a very positive review by Your Sinclair (who could effectively make or break sales of games), the game sold poorly.

You can try out the game for yourself at the following website:

http://www.zxspectrum.net/

Included on the tape of the game (games being released on cassettes in those days) was some songs from the Freshies days and Chris being ‘interviewed’ about the game by someone with a Punch and Judy like voice called Frank Sidebottom (in reality this was also Chris).

Frank Sidebottom was originally a Freshies PR stunt who was supposed to be their biggest fan from Timperley (a village all but swallowed up by the neighbouring town of Altrincham in Cheshire). Frank was also used in PR gimmicks for The Biz, the most distinctive part of him other than his nasal voice was his giant paper-mache head.

Having failed as a computer games creator, Sievey decided to reinvent himself around Frank Sidebottom as a musical comedy act similar to that of George Formby’s naughty but naïve northern English mummy’s boy, songs often ending with a reprise along the lines of ‘You know they are, they really are’ and ‘Thank you very much!’

The appeal of Frank’s act was less from his songs than from the running joke of Frank’s endless optimism that superstardom awaited him – all planned in child like fashion from his garden shed whilst he lived with his mum – despite minimal talent. That while wearing a giant paper mache head with bulbous eyes like he was some Disneyworld character on crack.

(In reality Chris had a wife and kids who eventually tired of his hopeless quest for fame and fortune and separated)

Occasionally he was accompanied by his ventriloquist dummy, Little Frank (which looked like him) and even rarer some other puppets (which also looked like him).

This led to a major recording contract with EMI (using their Regal Zonophone imprint) who saw him as a family orientated novelty act – equalling Frank’s own naivety and showing they remained badly out of touch with what audiences now wanted even after getting their fingers so badly burned in the punk era.

Although this time Sievey dented the lower end of the UK charts twice (one better than the Freshies) and made a number of TV performances, chart success eluded him again and he was dropped. Records released on various independent labels afterwards fared as badly.

He even had a strip in the ‘alternative’ children’s comic Oink! (another flop that has undergone a great deal of historical revisionism – or ‘reappraisal’ as journalists with noses like Pinocchio like to call it) that some blamed was partly responsible for its demise.

The trouble with Frank was that his act was loved by either very young children (which wasn’t what he was aiming at), by university students for the same reason they would pretend to like Monty Python, alternative comedians or anything else that mainstream society didn’t ‘get’, or by inverted culture snobs that romanticised Sievey’s act as being some sort of parody of popular culture to which he’d never ‘sold out’ and had remained true to the ‘punk ethos’.

The reality was Sievey had desperately tried to ‘sell out’ for two decades, the trouble was he couldn’t ‘sell’, forever trying to jump on bandwagons long after they’d reached their terminus, whether it was the whole DIY nature of Frank’s act that was old hat by the post-punk mid-80s or writing obsolete BASIC computer games fit only for magazine cover tapes.

His act also sharply divided opinion. Those who didn’t like Frank Sidebottom tended to despise him with a vengeance, finding him trite and not in the least funny, little more than childish ‘student’ humour and a liability to have on your show in any capacity if you didn’t want to lose viewers in droves. Some parents also complained his paper mache head with giant eyes scared their children. One radio DJ who played one of Frank’s many covers, ‘Wild Thing (In Timperley)’ was even reputedly called to the station’s manager whilst still on the air and threatened with the sack if he ever played another Frank Sidebottom record ever again. There was far more Frankophobia than Frankophilia.

His first network TV show, 1991  Frank’s Fantastic Shed Show was dropped as a monumental ratings disaster (even considering its late night placement). By the 1990s even the pub act bookings were drying up, and he was very much a spent farce, apart from sporadic appearences in various children’s TV shows and twilight programmes on national TV (where most viewers, out of their minds on whatever uppers, downers and inside-outers they’re on, probably thought they were watching Jools Holland. As both had painted hair, sharp suits, silly nasal voices, no neck, oversized heads and eyes, it would be an easily made mistake).

Equally unfortunately for Frank, two side acts from his cancelled show proved to be more successful than his own in their own right – largely parodying his own act and moribund career. Caroline Ahern’s Mrs Merton (an aged twee suburban housewife and aspiring talk-show host) and Graham Fellows’ John Shuttleworth (an aging pub act musician who constantly namedrops others he claims he helped find fame in a pathetic attempt to get some reflected glory). both enjoyed fleeting fame in the 1990s. Both enjoyed brief solo success (particularly Aherne) on TV before vanishing by the turn of the century.

(Fellows was like Sievey also someone that had repeatedly failed to make it in showbiz – apart from a surprise punk hit with ‘Jilted John’ in 1978)

By 2005, enjoying a cultural renaissance now the children of the 1980s were now the university students of the 21^st century (and the university students of the 1980s were now parents), Frank briefly got a regular local TV show, Frank Sidebottom’s Proper Telly Show In B/W (it was in fact in colour) in north west England. He also made plans to start recording music again.

He’d by this time enjoyed far more success off stage as part of the stop-animation company Hot Animation, making digital graphic sequences and writing award winning episodes for the children’s TV show Pingu and Bob The Builder.

Yet given another quarter chance he couldn’t resist donning the false head again (now fibreglass instead of paper-mache). Maybe he was fuelled to carry on (convinced one day he would make it big against all the evidence) from overdosing on the bitterest showbiz pill of all – many of those that had worked with him on his various pipe dreams had gone on to become major stars without him – just like Fellow’s John Shuttleworth character.

Five years later, and he was diagnosed with cancer as the years of playing grotty smoke filled pubs and clubs while being a little too fond of drinking before going on stage caught up with him (one advantage of Frank Sidebottom’s head was it made it impossible for audiences or promoters to see if he really was the worse for wear or whether it was all part of the act, not least of all because he refused to ever ‘break character’ once the head was on).

Sidebottom had taken part in an NME charity record, but in truth they routinely ignored his records.

Despite a successful operation, a month later he collapsed alone at his home in Hale and by the time he was found by his girlfriend it was too late, dying in hospital hours later, leaving an ex-wife, two grown-up children and an 18 year old son behind.

The bombshell of his death was swiftly followed by another – he’d died virtually penniless. Despite the sporadic TV appearences, records and the recent work for Hot Animation, he was facing a pauper’s funeral.

In truth, it was no surprise. Many of Frank Sidebottom’s records included bad parodies of famous songs such as the Sex Pistols ‘Anarchy In The UK’, The Smiths ‘Panic’ and Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. Sievey did this probably out of the hope fans of the  artists in question (or those that hated them) would buy it, or at least give him some publicity. All it really meant was a large chunk of whatever money was earned from their meagre sales went back to the songwriters in question.

It also highlighted the bitter reality of life for those at the bottom end of the entertainments world. Even on TV, the pay is derisory (if at all), especially if it is an act desperate for any exposure (in the misguided belief it represents a ‘long-term investment) and therefore more easily exploited by promoters, producers, record company executives and finally the act’s own agents.

What little money Chris Sievey ever made out of Frank Sidebottom, it largely went into everyone else’s pocket. Post-mortem claims were made of him enjoying spending more than he earned too much, but this bore little reality to his frugal lifestyle.

Death - the great showbiz career move. Pass the sick bucket. No film, cartoon or No.1 happened, btw.

What followed left a bitter taste in the mouth. A campaign to spare him from a pauper’s funeral raised over £20 000 in a month – far more than he ever made out of any of his various showbiz ventures. His records and DVDs of his show were reissued with impromptu haste to capitalise on the sentimentalist ‘reassessment’ of his career where everybody loves you when you’re dead – including demands for a statue in his honour in Timperley.

Much was made by broadsheet newspaper columnists and ignorant ‘alternative’ journalists that Frank Sidebottom had been ‘the Bard of Timperley’ who ‘put Timperley on the map’. But it never needed Frank Sidebottom for ‘fame’. Known worldwide as the birthplace of Vimto, this association with that most antiquated of soft drinks (with its ties to the equally dated ‘tee-total’ Temperance movement) had made it a standing joke for local comedians for years indulging in cosmopolitan snobbery laughing at the yokels in the sticks.

What put Frank Sidebottom even more into context as far as his Timperley ‘adoption’ was concerned was that whilst he was still playing dive bars and loss-making council ‘art centres’, doing late night TV shows and making records that sold so few he could have hand delivered them, the Stone Roses (half of whom came from Timperley) were making platinum records selling worldwide.

Whilst he was given some local applause for his backing of the local Timperley Big Shorts football team, the truth was Frank Sidebottom divided residents there as much as elsewhere in the country, not least of all because – contrary to the myth – Sievey was never in his lifetime a resident.

Flushed with the ‘success’ of the funeral fund, what fans Frank had (and his former manager) started another campaign to get Frank into the charts ‘for the first time’ – ignoring the fact 25 years earlier his cover of ‘Anarchy In The UK’ (as part of the ‘Frank’s Firm Favourites’ EP) and ‘Oh Blimey It’s Christmas had charted at 97 (31st August 1985) and 87 (28th December 1985) respectively. But since the proceeds would be going to charity, what was a little historical revisionism?

The instrumental march ‘Guess Who’s Been On Match Of The Day?’ duly charted on 17th July 2010 at No 66 for one week – failing to even beat Sievey’s 1981 best.

With Sidebottom like stoicism in the face of reality, another campaign was promptly launched to get ‘Three Shirts On My Line’ to No.1. before the end of the 2010 World Cup Finals (a parody of the Lightning Seeds famous ‘Three Lions On A Shirt’ England World Cup song a decade earlier) , again with all proceeds to charity. With little surprise it failed to chart, as did another old flop single ‘Christmas Is Really Fantastic’ with another campaign to get it to be the UK Christmas No.1.

Elsewhere Frank’s ‘legacy’ was tarnished as Selfridges suffered a media led shakedown that November over using window display dummies in London that looked like Frank, although many argued Sievey had no trademark on a visual style he’d copied from Max Fleischer, creator of Betty Boop, same as Selfridges’ designer Erin Thompson had done.

Anxious to avoid bad publicity before Christmas, the store offered to ‘credit’ him in the store window along with a £10 000 ‘donation’ to the executors of his estate – those that month’s before were happy enough to see him have a pauper’s funeral until his fans intervened. Howls of disgust and accusations of cashing in against both Selfridges and those with a financial interest in Frank’s estate duly followed, and with that the post-Sidebottom cultural ‘reappraisal’ duly came to an undignified end.

With the dust now truly settled on Frank Sidebottom (and Chris Sievey), perhaps now is the time to give him his real due as simply a slightly endearing Great British eccentric who dabbled in many forms of entertainment and somehow managed to achieve if not fifteen minutes of fame, at least a good five minutes in total.

Moreover, he made people happy, not merely with his music, stage act and TV performances, but with The Biz being rediscovered by a new generation via Retro gaming websites. Maybe not millions, maybe only a few thousand, but how many of us will ever be able to say as much?

In that sense he was, ultimately, a success.

You know he was, he really was.

‘Thank you very much!’

The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 2 – ‘Yes, It’s A Giant Shark That’s Destroyed Your Roof, But Is It Art?’

Elysia’s got a little concerned with the Lonely Islanders spending so much time playing a certain computer game all the time, so she’s taking them to Sunset Valley for a bit of cultural enlightenment.

‘Hope there’s a creche there I can put Haily and Switch in!’

‘I heard that derpage, bumface!’

‘You too? I thought it was just me.’

‘Elysia’s only in the front seat, who else did you think it was?’

‘Elysia, Switch? I was talking about Molag Bal – he’s just told me again he’s displeased with me for failing so far to lure Grant Rodiek to his black leather altar in Markarth where I am to beat him with his mace after it is first dipped in the sacred Elsweyr Fondue.’

‘Erm, Haily, have you been downloading mods from that site inhabited by 30 year old basement dwellers obsessed with breast slider for Skyrim again?’

‘Innit marvellous? This is why I’ve taken you away from your computers and consoles. You shower have been spending so long on that game I felt I had to do something to get you back to reality!’

‘Why can’t I stay in the hotel so I canz do Dragon Eggs for my besties on Dragon Cave! Me is normal and schizes and don’t need computer break!’

‘Oh stop whining and drink your Sprite – you’ll feel better after that.’

‘You’ve laced it with Ritalin again, haven’t you?’

‘Indeed I have not!’

‘Nucking Futs. At least then I’d have had some fun from the experience.’

‘What about some Skooma?’

‘Oh shut up, Haily! Anyway, I laced it with Absinthe this time, they wouldn’t give me another prescription for Ritalin.’

Down at the nearby beach.

‘Slow down Willow! You’ve still not explained to me why you are so keen for us to come to this beach instead of the main one?’

‘According to the Sunset Valley Tourism news brochure, Hazel, there is a new art installation which they have been unable to find room for in the gallery. We shall familiarise ourselves with it, since the kind gentleman at the tourist information bureau gave unto all of us these T-shirts.’

‘Would this be the same kind gentleman you spent a good hour batting your eyelids at and laughing at all his jokes even though they were about as funny as Michael McIntyre?’

‘It is a most scurrilous assertion you make, Elysia! Who’s Michael McIntyre anyway?’

‘What you get when you crossbreed Mike Myers with Michael Portillo.’

‘Gordon Bennett! THIS is what you’ve taken us to see?’

‘Someone’s going to be suing the producers of Deadliest Catch for this!’

‘They must have run out of weathercocks down at B&Q and the Home Depot.’

‘Some people have gnomes. Some people have rockeries. Some people have ornamental ponds with fish to keep next door neighbour’s cat entertained. Some people have a Great White sticking out of their roof.’

‘Is this what I think it is?’

‘Elysia, I think you put too much of whatever that stuff was you said it was into my Sprite.’

‘Oh, I know what you both mean!’

‘You do, Haily?’

‘Yes, it’s a giant shark that’s destroyed a roof, but is it Art?’

‘It’s more like a bugger of an insurance claim if you ask me!’

‘Well I like it! I think it makes a real statement about alienation from one’s environment and the insecurity the modern world places on the individual, where all we cherish and love can be thrown into turmoil in the most unexpected manner in an instant. I think we can all relate to that.’

‘I think it makes a statement that there’s some people in the world with more money than sense.’

‘Oh stick to Dragon’s eggs, Cloverstardrop! You have no eye for art!’

‘Huh! YOU have Stevie Wonder’s eyes for art! If you sat an Art exam, you’d get an F, which would be rather appropriate since your taste is like recycled baked beans!’

Now now, Switch, bitch nicely!

‘Hasn’t this been done before anyway? Wasn’t there someone that had a home where the buffaloes roam?’

‘Only in a song, Haily?’

‘Thank goodness for that. I wouldn’t have fancied vacuuming that living room.’

‘Call this an art gallery? Flapdoodle!’

The readers don’t wish to know if you got a tattoo in a personal place, Rowan, if you don’t mind.

‘Oh, do shut up! There isn’t even a tea room where one can peruse – perchance to purchase – some mementos to remind oneself of the cultural expedition undertaken with friends and family, before retiring to the verandah to enjoy a traditional Strawberry Tea with a pot of Earl Gray and freshly baked home made scones with clotted cream and jam.’

You mean overpriced plastic tat, postcards and guidebooks sold at a billion percent mark-up on the cost to produce them that will be shoved in a drawer and never looked upon again the moment you get home, before drinking dishwasher weak tea and last week’s supermarket scones microwaved to soften them neither of which you’ll get much time to sample as you’ll spend most of the time fighting off a hundred wasps?

‘Hummph! Philistine! It is a fine and noble British tradition, and one our American and Australian cousins as well as the rest of the former colonies and the more cultured of the Europeans delight themselves in partaking every summer.’

So Elysia’s not the only one putting Absinthe in people’s Sprites then?

‘Er, I think they’ve got Skyrim in the computers down at the local library. Jazz hands if you want to go back and do that instead?’

‘Jazz hands!’

Looks like the culture vultures are going home to roost!

The Headington Shark

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A t-shirt for Teens, Young Adults and Adults along with a collection of six poster style pictures and three wall sized murals for your Sims 3 game celebrating the Headington Shark, Oxfordshire’s oddest tourist attraction.

All items are recolourable, but the logos aren’t.

The poster sized pictures use a mesh by Yarona at Sims Modeli and the wall sized murals use a mesh which comes from Helen-Sims, so you do not need any stuff packs for this to work – it’s all base game friendly. Everlasting thanks and gratitude to Helen and Yarona for their work.

Download

To use, download, unzip, and drop the contained folder into your The Sims 3\mods\packages folder and they should show up.

Enjoy!

The Lonely Island Chronicles: Episode 1 – ‘Take Me Back To Skyrim, Because Morthal Is My Kinda Town.’

Welcome to Lonely Island. Created and owned by Rflong7/13, but taken over by some undead Simmies for a bit of peace and quiet from a Sims world they are convinced are all stark raving mad. It is a sanctuary for the much maligned Butterfly of Doom and many other maligned and misunderstood species of Sims nature.

Rflong7/13 has no qualms over their residence – or at least she’s not asked for any rent yet.

Episode 1: ‘Take Me Back To Skyrim, Because Morthal Is My Kinda Town.’

Over at Tyneham Castle are the Tyneham sisters, Hazel, Rowan and Willow, whose premature deaths in 1919 during the Spanish Flu pandemic ruined their summer holiday.

Bad enough they were in Twinbrook on holiday in the first place. But being buried in Ivy Hill Graveyard with those that gave them that fatal flu rather put the tin lid on it, or rather the tin coffin lid in their cases.

(Twinbrook emergency health regulations of the time, before you ask)

They didn’t even manage to get a stick of rock. If Twinbrook has seaside rock, that is.

Now they’re on Lonely Island in a facsimile of their ancestral home of Tyneham Castle, they are without peer the most cultured of the island’s residents.

Here we see Willow (left) and Rowan (right) engaging in an earnest discussion over restoring some of the original Italianate architectural details added by Inigo Jones in the 17th Century.

‘I do so hope that this Misty Grove will present us with some suitable treasures, for this has proven a most troublesome quest.’

‘Indeed. If we are presented at the conclusion with another tiresome daedric armament, I do so hope we are presented with the option of requesting that the Sir inserts the gifted utensil into his fundament forthwith!’

Okay, who was the bumnugget that brought copies of The Elder Scrolls V onto Lonely Island? Is there nowhere in the world left that’s immune to the wretched game?

Perhaps the youngest sister Hazel is partaking of something a little more cerebral.

‘It is a puzzlement, but after hours of study I am nowhere yet nearer to an answer. I fear I shall have to confer with my sisters, and yet remain none the wiser.’

A question of the Greek Metres? The historical debate as to the true military significance played by Joan of Arc in the Hundred Years War? The dichotomous paradox of the Zurich Letters?

‘Why does the waterwheel at Morthal turn in the opposite direction to the flow of the river current? T’is most vexing.’

An education courtesy of the finest tutors in the British Empire, and all she’s interested in broadening is her knowledge of the empire of Skyrim. Shagmendous!

‘Um, Rowan, do you think we ought to retire for the night?’

‘I suppose you’re right. After one more quest. It is after all four in the morning’.

Yes, they are sleeping in what you can see behind them, despite Elysia telling them they don’t have to sleep in coffins just because they’re undead. Lucky the Isle of Sims branch of Ikea had a special 3 for 2 offer on coffin beds (‘dead comfortable eternal rest!’) that week.

‘What I don’t understand is that we have achieved all the objectives required for this part of the Jarl of Whiterun’s quest, yet the game is failing to reveal the easter egg that was promised.’

‘Are you sure Willow that you remember what you learned correctly?’

‘I am sure I have counted them correctly. Fifty Eidar cheese wheels, fifty goat cheese wheels, fifty bottles of ordinary wine, fifty bottles of Alto wine.’

‘But yet it has not activated the unlock whereupon the Jarldom of Whiterun is handed over to me?’

‘Perhaps one also needs to present the Jarl with fifty bottles of Black-Briar Reserve?’

‘I don’t remember Elysia mentioning Black-Briar Reserve in her instructions. Do you think perhaps she has chosen to make a sport of us?’

Not sure about a sport. A pair of Charlies certainly.

While the Tyneham sisters are busy rotting their brains, over at Cloverstardrop Keep, young Switch appears to be doing much of the same.

‘Um, this doesn’t appear to be working.’

This had better be another of those cheap jokes about cooking grannies coming up!

‘I still can’t get the bard in the Bannered Mare to play “Particle Man”, even though I must have typed in Boolprop MusicCheatiTunesList True into the console about fifty times!’

Amazing what you can get others to believe when you tell them you have the Official Game Guide.

‘If I thought for one moment that Elysia was having me on…’

Look like Elysia’s going to be getting thumped rather than thu’umed when certain Lonely Islanders catch up with her!

The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim. Now it’s SkySim!

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A collection of twenty one t-shirts featuring various motifs from Bethesda’s beautiful game that you all ought to have bought by now and will find yourselves playing as long as you play Sims 3.

Probably longer, as there appears to be less game fatal bugs. Or at least less game fatal patches for bugs (may all of EA’s program coding department fart in their pants and follow through)

The t-shirts will fit Teen, Young Adult and Adults.

All items are recolourable, but the logos aren’t (recolourable logo versions were attempted with the hold and guild logos, but they did not come out the way desired. May try again later).

Please also find a collection of six poster style pictures,  fourteen 2×1 format pictures and thirty wall sized murals for your Sims 3 game.

The poster style pictures use a mesh by Yarona at Sims Modeli and the wall sized murals use a mesh which comes once again with many thanks from Helen-Sims, so you do not need any stuff packs for this to work – it’s all base game friendly.

The frames are recolourable.

Download

To use, download, unzip, and drop the contained folder into your The Sims 3\mods\packages folder and they should show up.

Enjoy!

Merry Christmas!

All the very best to everyone that’s visited, downloaded or just wished Jazz-Hands well over the past year.

Sorry about not being very active (exams), but expect a few nice surprises in the not too distant future.

In the meantime, have a happy Christmas/Yuletide and hope it is both fun and safe for you all.

Todd & The Book Of Pure Evil (Yes, Really Scraping The Barrel This Time!)

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A collection of six T-shirts featuring various motifs from Canada’s answer to ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ and ‘Charmed’ (pity they never read the question properly!).

Will fit Teen, Young Adult and Adults.

All items are recolourable, but the logos aren’t.

There’s also the cheerleader’s outfit and the college jacket thrown in too.

Please also find a collection of thirteen promotional posters, six pictures and five murals for your Sims 3 game.

The pictures use a mesh by Yarona at Sims Modeli, the posters use a mesh by SweetyBlacky, and the wall sized murals use a mesh which comes once again with many thanks from Helen-Sims, so you do not need any stuff packs for this to work – it’s all base game friendly.

The frames are recolourable.

Download

To use, download, unzip, and drop the contained folder into your The Sims 3\mods\packages folder and they should show up.

Enjoy!

For those who haven’t yet seen this very silly (and slightly gross) show, it centres around a teen stoner who rashly steals the Book Of Pure Evil from a display cabinet, with the result he and his ragbag of friends – Jenny (the token hot chick), Curtis (the token dopey sickkick) and Hannah (the token cute geek) – spend every episode trying to undo the book’s latest fiendish plan to destroy their school or world and make life really suck.

Todd’s gang are aided and hindered by Jimmy the Janitor (Jay Mewes from ‘Jay & Silent Bob’) and by Atticus, the show-stealing guidance councillor: no noble Rupert Giles, but working secretly with the town’s governing Satanists (run by his dad) trying to get the book for themselves – despite evidence every episode the book’s more trouble than it’s worth.

Running to the old ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’ plot device, the book fulfils some Crowley High school student’s wish (get slim, get the person of their dreams, etc) but at a twisted cost – it is the Book of Pure Evil after all. The book thereafter seeks out a new victim, which in a building full of shallow selfish teenagers leaves it a little spoilt for choice.

Currently running in Canada and the U.S.A., they’re trying to find a station willing to take it in the U.K.